Ok, apologies, because this will be more of a rant than anything else (also, I was off by 1/2 lb yesterday it was only 28lbs lost. Today was 28.5lbs), but that's my right, right? :-) I've messed up my finances quite a bit and am unfortunately living with my parents (which was bearable when I was travel nursing for about 8 months and didn't live here 3-4 days a week. However, there's been a nearly 3 month hiatus while I've searched for a staff position (which I've now found, but can't start until mid-July) and it's been murder.
How it started didn't help, either. One one of my last shifts of my last contract I was driving home from my last day/night of work. I hadn't slept more than 2 hours a day for the 3 days I worked, was a bit mad, and had taken about 4-5 NoDoze on the way home, plus a Red Bull. Needless to say, I was amped and just couldn't wait to get home and sleep. I stopped at my brother and sis-in-law's on the way home cause I wanted to say hi quickly and, to be honest, had to pee REALLY badly. Anyways, I was there for a bit and sis-in-law had mentioned wanting to have a girl's night with drinks and so on (she doesn't get to drink much at all cause my brother doesn't like it and she's always with the kiddos). After I'd been there for a bit, I mentioned that she should try Fireball cause I had some in my car and if she just had a sip to try it (plus, it'd save wasting money on a whole shot later), so I brought it in and she tried it, said it was good and I had a little too.
Anyways, I put it back in the car, came back in and said bye, since I'd been there a bit, relieved myself and wanted to get "home" cause I was spazzing out and couldn't say how long I'd be awake. I was probably talking way too fast too, cause I do that anyways, but add in sleep deprivation, a stressful work week, and all that caffeine? Get outta here! As I left I remembered why I hate coming to their place in the day time because it's hell getting out of their driveway the way it's situated on that busy road.
I don't know what possessed me, but I (proving I wasn't thinking straight) decided to see if my other brother was home and he was so I went there before going "home". I sat outside their place for a bit, car off, keys out, just being quiet and I remember thinking it'd be a great time to sleep. I hadn't been able to sleep without a couple shots of something for a couple weeks, so, since I wasn't operating the car any longer, I took a few swigs from the Fireball bottle (probably more than I realized since I had no shot glasses around) and decided that it may not be a good idea to sleep in the car so I went in to my brothers' place.
That wasn't smart and, all things told, I should have just gone straight home after my sis-in-law's, but I didn't. That would have avoided most of this whole mess. Anyways, I go in and it's ok for a bit, but seriously, ALL I wanted to do was to sleep and since I'd helped this brother out more times than I can count (plus dealt with him breaking property in my apartment that I had to pay for before I left) I figured that'd be cool with him. I ended up being an ass though, and what I'm most sorry about was that my niece and nephew were home at the time. I wish I'd had the presence of mind to just ask to go upstairs to sleep, but no, I had to make an fool of myself. Next thing I know, mom and dad show up, take the keys (I was actually given permission to use their car as a money saving tool and was grateful for that!), and escort me home.
They thought I'd been driving drunk since they found the Fireball in the bag in the backseat! I made that mistake once years ago and paid for it dearly, so there's NO way I'd do that again, but, as it turned out, the truth does NOT set you free. Since then, it's been like I'm a 12 year old prisoner, not even to mention that everything was ransacked and that first night I couldn't even get my PJs or toothbrush out of the car. This past couple months has felt like a year at the very best, and I'm counting the seconds until I can get out.
I do feel the need to apologize to my brother, J. about acting that way in front of his kids, but I want to do it in person/privately, and, since I'm still not free and every time I see him it's in a family setting, I haven't gotten the chance. If I don't get to before I leave, I may just have to take what I can get. I've been told to apologize to my sis-in-law as well, but for what, I don't know. I guess I could say I'm sorry I was spazzing out and probably sounded and was acting crazy because of next to no sleep and WAY too much caffeine, but other than that, I don't know what they want. However, she and my brother, A. are using their kids as pawns yet again because of it and won't let them come over (I haven't seen them in over 2 months) and mom and dad, and for some reason, one of my little sisters (who's more of a PIA than I ever was) have to go over there to visit.
That doesn't mean much, though, in light of the fact that they do this about once every year or year-and-a-half for some reason or another, not one of which has been a real reason. It kills everyone, but mostly my parents and of the two of them, my mom the most. It tells her that they don't trust her with the kids, when that's the first person on earth any one of my brothers and sisters would leave their kids with. Not to mention they have more fun here than anywhere else! Plus, the youngest is little enough so that she won't remember me the next time she gets to see me/I get to see her, but yet my little sister gets all the time in the world with them. My nephew doesn't even get to socialize with other kids because he's home schooled and my sis-in-law's anxiety keeps him from doing stuff outside the family, although she has gotten a LOT better over the past few years.
The last time they weren't speaking to a family member was right up until last Fall when my other brother, J. (after a year or so of not even being able to be in the same room with my other brother and/or his family) had major, open heart surgery and almost died. THEN, after some days in the hospital, A. finally "lowered" himself to start speaking to J. again. It's just so obnoxious. My mom didn't like my uncles' behavior when we were little and would have never left us alone with them, but they lived in Fresno and we didn't see them a lot so she still let us know them as much as possible. If there was a danger to the kids here, I could see that, but there isn't and never has been so they're just doing it out of spite. They know how much it hurts mom, too, and that makes me ill.
I'm by no means perfect and I have things to work on, but that will be much easier when I get out of here and don't wake up with a sick stomach every morning (like I have since i was about 11) wondering which mom I'll wake up to today. It doesn't even matter, really, however, because it changes about every 20 minutes or even less on some days. Take this morning. She'd taken dad for a procedure at the hospital and they got back just as I was coming out to do the dishes. She said that they'd gotten some Thai food, but that she wasn't going to eat all of hers so I could have some. Great...thanks. She proceeded to do some of the dishes. I have a question about some peach pits that were thrown in a towel in the garage (no biggie, turns out she'd forgotten to throw them out), then I went to my room. 10 minutes later, I come out to check the clothes in the dryer and she asks if I've thrown up in the last day or so (WTF??!!lol) and I said I haven't. So then she says there's stuff all over the trashcan and stomps to get cleaning stuff all the while talking "to herself" about how no one ever does anything and how people should clean up their messes (sarcastically, of course). I said that I'd seen it late yesterday, but as I was going to clean the bathroom today, I figured I'd take care of it then, but that wasn't good enough so she cleaned the trashcan. How does one puke on a bin anyways??
Whatever, it's just days upon days of little stuff like that, most of the time, nothing even that big, that sets her off. Sometimes just waking up does the trick. Then, 5 minutes later, "Do you want to go to Taco Bell with me?" (by-the-way if I say no, to her that translates to "I hate you and never want to do anything with you ever")...it's just not humanly possible to keep up and I'm not even trying anymore. Just trying to play by their rules until I can be on my own again. What makes things worse, in a way, is that my other little sister, D. "moved out" a couple weeks ago and is here at LEAST every other day, usually every day, and sometimes twice a day. Mostly to bitch about the job she supposedly loves and to take food/containers (something she talked so much crap about my brother J. for when he used to do that, even though mom and dad always say it's ok). She wanted to "get out" so much, allegedly, but now that she is, I guess she's finding it lonely without anyone to whine to at her place. lol
Oh well, hopefully that's it today, for the bad bits anyways, cause I hate putting negative shit out there, but here at least, I can write my feelings and the truth and no one cares or tells me I'm lying without any proof or even caring that I'm telling the truth. It's frustrating beyond belief and I just have to keep telling myself that it's almost over and continue praying for A&A's kids and that they won't forget me too much. I started writing my nephew letters last weekend and A. actually texted me saying that R. loved it so much and it made him smile. That was my medicine for the day and I'll keep doing it cause he needs something. He didn't even recognize his cousins (or mom's turtle!) last time they were all together and that was months ago, so no telling what the 1 1/2 year old will remember. Should start sending pictures too, cause who knows how long this spell will go on. I just want to make sure that the kids know that I'm not upset with them at all cause until A&A grow up, I have nothing to say to them.
Funny, how my adopted siblings have more of an idea of what family is than the one brother I thought based his life on that concept. Oh well, live and learn I guess.
I'm off to do actual writing in my journal (which I have to shred as people snoop here...reason #465 to move out) and do some self-help type reading. I got a couple books which I like so far, but I have to pick one to finish first because I can't do two at a time! :-P
Also, sorry for the spelling/grammar errors, my head's killing me and my stomach's upset from all the tension. Better luck next time!
XoXo
